Jerry came over today early because we couldn’t later. We did our usual thing until we went to get ice cream, and there he just broke my heart. His grandpa passed away Friday and he and his brothers are hanging in there, but taking it hard. He sat there across from me in the booth, just playing and staring at his ice cream, telling me about all these great things about his grandfather, that he was one of those men that just got along with everyone, everyone felt comfortable around him, they loved him. And Jerry started to tear up. And I know I saw his red, somber eyes on skype on Friday, but the silence was broken by the sound of my heart crumbling. I just wanted to hold him, brush his hair away from his face, just touch him. Words were failing me, words always fail in times like those. There’s just nothing worse than seeing someone you care about so upset and not being able to do a single thing about it. It half made me wanna cry.

But the night sure as hell got better. Or at least it distracted from the whole ordeal. It was suppose to be a girls night kinda thing, which was why I was with Jerry earlier, but it turned out being a great night with friends. We all went sledding, Sam, Brittany, Kelly, Jerry, Richard, Alex, and I. And oh my god, it’s been way too long since I’ve had some good sledding fun. I started going down as the tail end of the chain with all the guys, and some lady, as we were going down, just says “that girl’s gonna eat shit”. Well lady, I totally did not! But I did get to see Richard wipe out, and Jerry go rolling off the sled, nearly into a tree. It was hilarious. Though, my first time going down the hill, I hit this massive bump, and totally killed my knee. Just my luck, right? Now it’s all swollen, red, and black and blue. It fucking hurts to walk. Definitely worth it though. That hill is one we’ll need to go back to.

Although, we all got kinda pissed with Kelly and Brittany. They called up some guy that they never met before to give them a ride home. So he came up, and they got in the car, and just sped off, nearly hitting Alex. We didn’t even get to meet the kid, which made us a little uncomfortable, seeing as how Kelly never even met the fucking guy before! But no, go ahead, ditch us for a possibility of being a news story the next day. Glad she got home safe, but she didn’t need to ditch us like that. They barely even went sledding, but whatever.

Sam and I are thinking about heading to Crocker Park tomorrow. Cause god knows I have money to spend. But we’ll see. At least I can say it’s been an interesting weekend.

I need to push myself so much to get my ass to do something. I seem to have this extreme problem with motivation, and the only time I do things I feel like I need to do is if I think about how stressful the consequences will be if I don’t do it because I know how much that stress wears me down. Still, somehow I manage to avoid making good choices. And I’m so close to a breakdown.

I’ve grown tremendously apathetic to school. Maybe not so much the work, but more the social interactions with people. I just view high school as so temporary. And really, compared to the rest of my life, it kinda is. But due to this view, the classes that I don’t have friends in, I don’t even bother trying to talk to people to form new relationships. I just don’t want to anymore. And if I don’t talk to people, people don’t talk to me because I’ve been told before that they’ve been kinda intimidated to. So I guess I’m intimidating. Great. Just like Mike said today, I’m a completely different person outside of school than I am inside of school.

Jerry teases me when I agree with him that a girl’s hot. Like, come on. I’m straight, not blind.